1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.

Female….. Any part under a car’s hood.
Male…. The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.

Female…. Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.
Male…. Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.

Female… The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner.
Male… Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.

Female… A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male…… Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.

Female…. A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male…… Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.

Female… An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male…… A source of entertainment, self-__expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.

Female…… The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.

Female…. A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male… A device for scaning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

AND;

He said . . . I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don’t you?

He said . . …. Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . That’s a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said . … What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . .Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said . ….. Why don’t women blink during foreplay?
She said . . They don’t have time

He said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said . . We don’t know; it has never happened.

He said . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
She said . . . They already have boyfriends.

She said…What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
He said . . . A widow.

He said . .. . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . . Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.

1. Money isn’t made out of paper, it’s made out of cotton..

2. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp (marijuana) paper.

3. The dot over the letter i is called a “tittle”.

4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.

5. Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller.

6. 40% of McDonald’s profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.

7. 315 entries in Webster’s 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.

8. The ’spot’ on 7UP comes from its inventor, who had red eyes. He was albino.

9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents, daily.

10. Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister.

11. Chocolate affects a dog’s heart and nervous system; a few ounces will kill a small sized dog.

12. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark’s stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.

13. Most lipstick contains fish scales (eeww)

14. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn’t wear pants.

15. Ketchup was sold in the 1830’s as medicine.

16. Upper and lower case letters are named ‘upper’and ‘lower’ because in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the upper case’ letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the smaller, ‘lower case’ letters.

17. Leonardo DA Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time hence, multi-tasking was invented.

18. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.

19. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.

20. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan; there was never a recorded Wendy before!

21. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange, purple, and silver!

22. Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa’s lips.

23. A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it instantly go mad and sting itself to death.

24. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original “Halloween” was a Captain Kirk’s mask painted white.

25. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19 You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar (good to know.)

26. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can’t sink in quicksand (and you thought this list was completely useless.)

27. The phrase “rule of thumb” is derived from an old English law, which stated that you couldn’t beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.

28. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was the Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.

29. Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with. It’s the same with apples!

30. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying!

31. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher..

32. Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.

33. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a space suit damages it. I NEED TO REMEMBER THIS!

34. George Carlin said it best about Martha Stewart: “Boy, I feel a lot safer now that she’s behind bars. O. J. Simpson and Kobe Bryant are still walking around; Osama Bin Laden too, but they take the ONE woman in America willing to cook, clean, and work in the yard, and they haul her fanny off to jail.

I got this article from The LA Times. All I have to say is: so true, so true. I actually forwarded the link to my hubby.

Expect the Worst When You’re Expecting
Don’t let the perky pictures lie — there’s no sugarcoating the gruesome nine-month battle of pregnancy.

By Heather Havrilesky, HEATHER HAVRILESKY is a television critic for Salon.

October 12, 2006

I’VE NEVER KNOWN a thing about pregnancy, so once I got pregnant, I quizzed every mother I knew about what Mother Nature had in store for me. Instead of taking time out from their busy mothering lives to relive the biological roller coaster of creating another human being, every single one advised me to purchase “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” a hideous descent into the hell of gestation that outlines every possible malady and gruesome side effect ever experienced by any pregnant woman anywhere.

The grotesqueries listed therein, from heartburn to hemorrhoids to chronic dependence on adult diapers, are divided into monthly sections so that future mothers can savor a little dose of suspense-horror thrills and chills before bed each night.

But the most unnerving thing about “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” is the cover. Perhaps in an effort to offset the bewildering and unpleasant-sounding ailments inside, the book is pink and yellow and covered in some kind of flocked, flowery wallpaper or quilt pattern clearly meant to evoke the sort of stuffy, overheated, split-level homes in the Midwest that have “country” decorations everywhere, from porcelain milkmaid statuettes to framed pictures of white ducks with blue ribbons around their necks. A mere glance at that cover is clinically proven to give pregnant women hot flashes, cramping and suicidal ideation.

And that’s before their eyes rest on the main illustration. There, perched amid all those tiny yellow and pink flowers, is the expectant mother of every woman’s nightmares. On my copy, she has a perky bob haircut, the sort of molded, unmoving mom-hair that only a woman who stayed up all night baking brownies for the PTA sale would have the audacity to wear out of the house. Not only that, she’s clad in a yellow, Mr. Rogers-style cardigan and red polyester slacks that call to mind your fourth-grade Social Studies teacher, the one who gave an entire class of 9-year-olds night sweats by telling them that the Iran hostage crisis was sure to develop into World War III.

But that’s not all. The woman also has on terrible geriatric penny loafers, and she’s perched primly in a rocking chair, with this filthy, chipper smile on her face, like all she’s done for months is sit there, rocking back and forth, only occasionally stopping to peruse the “Debilitating Symptom of the Month” or to order more whimsical milkmaid statuettes for the dining room. You could pass out copies of this image at local high schools and instantly cut the teenage pregnancy rate in half.

You see, it’s not just the woman’s style that offends, it’s that peaceful, calm look on her face. This is clearly not a person who’s been suffering through bouts of heartburn and dizzy spells. This smug mutant is not waking up five times a night to use the bathroom, nor is she suffering from flatulence or heart palpitations or pre-eclampsia. This woman is living a lie. Most important — and take this from someone who’s been told that she could give birth any second, which is a little like being told that you have a bomb strapped to your chest and only Mother Nature, that bitch, has access to the trigger — this woman is not in her last month of pregnancy, because she bears no evidence of having random and unpredictable bouts of hormonal rage (listed merely as “mood swings” in this otherwise ruthless book).

You see, extremely pregnant women don’t sit primly in rocking chairs, looking satisfied and happy with their bad hair. No, they drive too fast on the freeway, screeching at passing cars, or they bellow “Helloooo?!” into their phone at the Home Depot worker who put them on hold for 20 minutes instead of explaining why the rug for the baby room hasn’t arrived yet and isn’t likely to until the kid’s third birthday.

A million new-mom manuals will never prepare most women for the fact that, in the last months of pregnancy, they’re not going to be smiling bucolically while folding onesies in the baby room. They’re going to be obsessively pulling weeds out of the frontyard while loudly berating their husbands for leaving the back door unlocked and forgetting to get the dog vitamins even though they were clearly on the list. The last month of pregnancy doesn’t just prepare a woman to squeeze out a child, it prepares her to wage jihad.

Recently, after bursting into tears over a yogurt lid that refused to pull off, I actually had to stop and tell my husband: OK, you probably haven’t been more of a snippy jerk than usual lately. Considering that my face is beet red and I’m sweating and weeping inconsolably over a cup of yogurt, the more likely explanation is that my nuclear reactor of a body, in its preparations for squeezing out our first child, is also preparing me to build bombs and wage hand-to-hand combat, if necessary.

So who belongs on the cover of “What to Expect When You’re Expecting?” Maybe Archie Bunker, his face flushed with rage, wearing a big, ugly maternity tunic made out of camouflage. Anything less is false advertising.

I love my credit cards. It actually makes me spend less if you can believe it. Cash burns a whole in my pocket. However, we are people who pay our credit cards off every month. That is my credit card advice. The numbers scare me for people who pay 22% interest on horribly high credit balances. How can you do that? How do you ever get out of debt?

The latest credit card news is that if you are late paying on your credit cards, it can screw up more in your life. It can make your life more difficult. Not only will that credit card’s interest rate go up, all your other credit card rates can go up to. You can be denied utilities when you sign up. What happens is that the credit card company reports you to the credit bureaus, and it is downhill from there.

Check this out. After my day, I really needed this laugh. FYI, this does have some strong language, so be warned.