3 mins read

Communication

Men: When you wife asks “Does this outfit make me look fat?” keep in mind that it is a trick question. Answering “No” is the same as saying “Yep, like a hippo with a glandular problem”. Your best defense is to avoid a direct response. Look at your watch and say “we both look like we're late.” Or turn the tables and express you own anxiety: “Why, are you saying these pants make me look fat?”

Ladies: When a man is sitting quietly with a contemplative look on his face, that doesn't mean he's pondering the future of your relationship together. So don't be disappointed if you ask him, “What are you thinking?” and he replies, “I was wondering whether to buy snow tires this winter or just go with the chains . . .”

Men: Your wife has just seen a tear-jerking movie on TV and asks you “What would you do if I died?” Now is not the time to say “Plan how to spend the insurance money.” If you shrug and confess that you don't know, she'll insist that you remarry. Of course, she'll then subject you to an inquisition: “Will you let the new wife wear her clothes?” “Would you sleep in our bed?” The best way to handle this is to admit that you'll live a life of quiet desperation mourning her loss forever.

Ladies: It's not fair to point to a beautiful woman and ask your husband, “Is she prettier than me?” If he says “no”, you won't believe him, and if he says “yes” – well, you don't ask this question. Trust us.

Men: If she catches you glancing at another woman, she's bound to ask “Do you think she's prettier than me?” Your best defense is to act confused. “Who? I didn't see anyone. I was just sitting here, counting my blessings to be married to such a wonderful woman.”

Ladies: When you step out of the dressing room for the umpteenth time and he says “Yes, I like this one better!” it means he's tired of shopping and wants to go home.

Men: When she says “I really like your friend Bob,” it means that she believes Bob is happily involved in a committed relationship, or (at the very least) that she doesn't believe that he'll be a bad influence on you.

Ladies: If you're upset about something, he asks you what's wrong, and you reply “nothing” he'll take you at your word. He doesn't understand that “nothing” is the female code for “I'm troubled, but I won't tell you why until you express the appropriate amount of interest.”

Men: “Fine” is a word women use to indicate that an argument is over and that no further discussion is required (or will be tolerated). “Fine” is not a word that you should use when she asks “How do I look?” Answer “great”, “like a million bucks”, or even “better than the cover of Cosmo,” but never “fine”.

Ladies: Men only acknowledge about 16 colors, much like a small box of crayons. Don't expect them to understand (or care) what you mean when you tell them you're searching for draperies or slipcovers in colors like persimmon, mauve, or sienna.

Men: “Five minutes” in female time means a minimum of half an hour. Think of it as a fair trade-off for when she asks “How much longer will this football game last?” and you reply “Not long, only 2 minutes left.”

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