Life and Death

Since I have had some questions regarding this, I thought I would post about it on my blog.

As many of your know, I had a miscarriage in July. It was one of the hardest times in my life and I think in Bill’s too. He seemed to handle it much better than I did. I went to a support group and met online for a support group. I have to say that it helped me tremendously. In some ways, because I was only 5 weeks pregnant and we only knew for a week, it did make it easier. However, I still needed to grieve the loss. I learned that unless you have been through this yourself, you will never know how horrible and empty you feel.

It took me several months to actually look upon this horrible occurance in my life in a positive light. The baby I lost most likely had chromosomal(sp) problems. I would rather have a healthy baby than a sick one. At 5 weeks, there was no heart and no brain yet. In a weird sort of way, it makes me feel better. I had a friend that had a baby with all sorts of problems. The baby’s esophogus(sp) was not connected to its stomach and think there were heart problems. The baby will probably have problems all of its life. In my support groups, I met people whose stories were so much worse than mine. I realized that I did not have it so bad. I will never forget the baby I lost; I however learned how to move forward.

I also learned how to deal with others that this has happened to. Please talk to these people. We need to talk about. It is part of the grieving process. It is better to say something stupid than not to say anything at all. It would make me cry to talk about this, but again it helped me to move forward.

Being pregnant again is scary. When you are pregnant for the first time, you are scared. When you are pregnant after a miscarriage, you are terrified. Every time you go to the bathroom, you are checking for spotting. Everytime you have a cramp or a headache, you wonder if something is going wrong. I realize I look like I have it together, but I have this underlining fear that it is going to happen again. I was terrified to go my ultrasound and am scared of my doctor’s appointments. I have talked to others (I have friends who have had miscarriages) and they all said they went through this. When I had morning sickness, I was actually happy because that meant I was still pregnant. Now, I am just tired all the time which is another sign of pregnancy. However, before I was pregnant I was tired too, so I hate to use that as my sign of being pregnant. I am moody (you can ask Bill on that one). I am 11 weeks. I will be 12 weeks on Sunday. If you make it out of your first trimester, you are usually pretty safe that you aren’t going to miscarry. However, I think I will be worried for the rest of the pregnacy till I have a healthy baby in my arms.

I will keep you all updated on the progess of the pregnancy.